My Favourite 23 Tweets of 2023 (The Final List in the Series)

Hello again everyone,

I shall begin this post ⁠—as annual tradition demands⁠— with an expression of regret for not doing more with this blog over the last year. The first fourteen months of married life has kept me busy. I will not linger over the details other than to say I am very happy, and also I unexpectedly became a homeowner much sooner than I ever thought possible, which has thrown off a lot of timetables I set for myself and my writing. If I had suddenly become prolific on this comatose site, it would have been as an exercise in procrastination while avoiding more important matters, so this year my usual apology comes with some unusual and unapologetic pride too.

Anyway, let’s just move on to the only thing I have always gotten around to posting here over the last thirteen years, my annual and slowly growing list of favourite tweets. Here are the Top 10 of 2010Top 11 of 2011Top 12 of 2012Top 13 of 2013 & Top 14 of 2014Top 15 of 2015 & Top 16 of 2016Top 17 of 2017Top 18 of 2018Top 19 of 2019Top 20 0f 2020 (With some COVID-19 Honourable Mentions), Top 21 of 2021, and Top 22 of 2022 for anyone interested in the back catalogue.

To start off, I have an honourable mention that is going to serve double duty as a public announcement:

December 21, 2023

More and more I get less and less out of Twitter.

After 13+ years, I’ve decided Dec 31, 2023 will be my last day as an active user. I’ll keep my account online —maybe I even tweet a couple of times a year— but I’ll be deleting the app off my phone and bookmark off my browser.

Yes, today’s post will be the final entry in this series. In fact, I only stayed on Twitter as long as I did because I enjoy having these lists enough to want one last addition to the collection. Last year I said,

“Who knows if there will even be a Twitter at the end of 2023, or if I’m going to be an active member by then? […] I like to think if I do move on from Twitter, I’ll continue this tradition with Note or Mastodon or one of the other Twitter alternatives being bandied about at the moment. We’ll cross that bridge if and when we come to it, I guess.”

Here we are twelve months later, and while Twitter does still exist, it is a shadow of its former self. The people I want to hear from and speak with are mostly gone or falling silent, and those who remain are filling the emptying room with angry words that echo back to them in a way I do not want to spend my time absorbing.

I’m done.

Meanwhile, no one I know on Mastodon or Blue Sky or Threads seems happy there. Twitter’s secret sauce was it was first, and so everyone was there. We will likely never get everyone on the same microblogging service ever again. Without going into a rant you no doubt have heard before and better elsewhere, Elon Musk has broken the spell and driven off most of the people who made Twitter worthwhile for someone like me. I will continue on with Facebook —something of a social media ghost town in its own right, but at least one whose lingering spirits are not increasingly hostile and insulting to me yet— and I am also going to experiment with generating content for TikTok. If I gain any traction doing that, I will probably end up writing about it here.

Anyway, let’s get into this year’s list. It is a little uneven in places, both because some months I was too busy to make the time to Tweet regularly for a dwindling audience, and because when a ‘Top’ list starts going into the mid-20s your vetting process starts hunting for best examples of certain things you do often rather than trying to build criteria that can be applied evenly to every entry. As has become my custom, I will explain myself where necessary in italics.

Okay, then. With the final preamble to the final entry in the series now done, here are my favourite tweets from my last year as an active user on Twitter:

My Favourite 23 Tweets of 2023

January 2, 2023

For Christmas I got a lovely warm plaid shirt with elbow patches. When I wear it, I speak of myself in the third person using the nickname “Patch” and prompt my wife to call me that. She is horrified but also slightly amused, and that’s the line I like to walk with her sometimes.

(As I was winnowing down this list, I had quite a number of back-and-forths with my wife that I wanted to highlight. Most did not make the final cut, but I enjoy having this one up at the top setting the tone.)

January 3, 2023

Eleven days out of the office. Did I think to get a haircut in any of that time? Absolutely not. I feel like one of those sheep who wanders up into the hills at shearing time and is discovered years later, more wool than beast.

January 19, 2023

Today’s Twitter Confession:

Part of me thinks pens belong to the universe.

Another bigger part of me thinks if I have ever used a pen, that’s my pen. Even if it used to be your pen at one point, if I’ve used it, it is forevermore my pen, and I resent you for wanting it back.

(I only did the ‘Today’s Twitter Confession’ bit maybe 20 times in 13 years, but I always enjoyed them. This one was inspired by my admittedly bad habit of having sticky fingers when we go to pub trivia nights. If the host or one of my teammates does not collect their pens in a timely fashion at the end of the evening, then those pens joined the collection of my pens in my backpack, quickly becoming ’my’ pens. How dare anyone ask for them back in the future?)

April 15, 2023

A plaque I saw on a street in Fort Worth prompted me to look up Wyatt Earp on Wikipedia. A lot more ‘owned a brothel’ and ‘worked as a pimp’ in his bio than I expected. Like a lot more. Too much, really. I feel like he’s famous for a very specific 5% of his life’s work…

(I encourage everyone to look him up. It’s quite an eye-opening read!)

Continue reading “My Favourite 23 Tweets of 2023 (The Final List in the Series)”

Updates on My Writing, and Some Upcoming Social Media Projects

Hello everyone,

I suppose I can say with confidence no one will ever need to unsubscribe from this page because I’m bombarding you with too much content.

In all seriousness, I have some updates to share.

First and foremost, if you’re subscribed to this blog, you probably want news about my books. You may recall I abandoned two different projects that were meant to be my sixth novel after a substantial amount of the first drafts were already done. What can I say? The pandemic soured me on writing a murder mystery set during the Black Death, and when I took a real swing at a Roman military historical fiction idea I’ve been kicking around for a couple of decades, I found the people in my life didn’t care for that subject matter enough for me to keep writing it. At the end of the day, I am doing this as a hobby in my free time, and that means my writers group and my family need to be at least a little interested in hearing about it and reading about it, or I will not make progress.

With that said, I’ve just done a sense check of where I am on my third attempt at a sixth novel. Of a planned sixteen chapters and a preface, I have completed four in first-draft form, and have substantial portions of another six done too, so I can call this about the half-way point. I am now prepared to promise this is the sixth novel I will complete, and when I do, I plan to try and get this one traditionally published for a popular audience.

The story is told to us by a man writing from a prison cell in the year 459 CE as the western half of the Roman Empire is coming undone and Christianity is fiercely debating some of the fundamentals underpinning what it means to be Christian, but all that is happening in the background of what is at its heart a very personal story. The narrator is a straight-laced widower who would have been delighted to live a quiet and familiar life in Rome were he not blessed and burdened with an outgoing and vivacious mother. After surviving an unpleasant experience, she persuades him to escort her on a pilgrimage across most of the known world to meet Simeon Stylites, an ascetic living 50 feet up in the air on a small platform atop a pillar in the Syrian wilderness. Food and drink go up to the holy man in buckets, and his waste came down in hopefully different buckets. When mother and son meet him, he has been up on that pillar for 27 years, and over the next decade they build new lives supporting this celebrity hermit, becoming better people along the way.

What happens when he dies? What happens when a living saint who is a major tourist attraction for an otherwise absolutely unremarkable village in the middle of nowhere passes on to his eternal reward?

I am still figuring that out myself, but I intend for it to be a farce where people with the best of intentions also make or are seen to be making terrible decisions, and as happy lives implode under pressure and stress, it all comes to public attention in the worst possible light, culminating in an angry mob clamouring for public executions. You remember I said the story was being written to us from a prison cell? The narrator hopes writing down everything that happened from the beginning will somehow save them.

Continue reading “Updates on My Writing, and Some Upcoming Social Media Projects”

My Favourite 22 Tweets of 2022

Hello again everyone,

I will begin this post ⁠—as I do every year⁠— with an apology for not doing more with this blog over the last twelve months. A new wrinkle on the familiar classic? Both of the posts I did here in 2022 were explaining why I wasn’t writing more. I am oddly proud of that.

Anyway, I am delighted to say 2022 has now seen me married and well-launched into a new novel (of which I will say nothing more here), so on the whole things have been very productive in a way not really meant for public consumption. For people who want regular content from me, please check out my Twitter account.

With that said, it should be acknowledged some big things are happening on and to Twitter as I write this post. Who knows if there will even be a Twitter at the end of 2023, or if I’m going to be an active member by then? Time will tell the tale, but this very well might be the final entry in a series of posts going back to 2010. I like to think if I do move on from Twitter, I’ll continue this tradition with Note or Mastodon or one of the other Twitter alternatives being bandied about at the moment. We’ll cross that bridge if and when we come to it, I guess.

Okay, let’s move on to the only content I have reliably contributed to this blog for more than a decade now, my ‘top tweets of the year’ post. For those interested in the previous collections, here are the Top 10 of 2010Top 11 of 2011Top 12 of 2012Top 13 of 2013 & Top 14 of 2014Top 15 of 2015 & Top 16 of 2016Top 17 of 2017Top 18 of 2018Top 19 of 2019, Top 20 0f 2020 (With some COVID-19 Honourable Mentions), and Top 21 of 2021.

Two years ago I cheated a little and made a COVID-19-related highlight reel at the end so those tweets didn’t crowd out other content. This year I’m not going to do that, but I am going to include a few honourable mentions that were eliminated from ‘Top 22’ consideration for being two linked tweets rather than ones that stood on their own, which was the standard I chose to follow back in 2010 when tweets were 14o characters, and I’m not even sure if you were able to reply to your own tweets at the time to make a thread. Things have changed over the years, clearly. Meanwhile, there is every possibility this time next year character counts will be eliminated entirely by Twitter, or Twitter will be eliminated entirely, or I will have moved onto a character-limitless social media platform, so why not throw a couple of ‘too long’ tweets on the end that I enjoy and would like to look back on fondly in years to come?

Alright, then. With this year’s preamble now done, here are my favourite tweets from the past year:

My Favourite 22 Tweets of 2022

February 2, 2022

In the childhood baseball taunt, “We want a pitcher, not a belly-itcher! We want a catcher, not a belly-scratcher!” What exactly is going on? Is there a rash going around? Is the crowd saying the catcher should help his itchy teammate, or not, or are these two unrelated problems?

(Admittedly an odd entry to start my annual list. When I tweeted it, I didn’t know this would be the first one that I continue to enjoy almost a year later. January had a few tweets short-listed, but they were slice-of-life things that I have done elsewhere better. This is a one-off random thought that tickles me, and isn’t that the whole point of a microblogging site like Twitter? Where else can you write something like this and consider it a worthy contribution to a larger body of work?)

February 16, 2022

So the lap pool is open in my building. My fiancée and I booked a 30-minute time slot. I started out at my old pre-COVID pace. Mistake! A humbling, humbling mistake…

Everything hurts now, and I am so very tired…

March 23, 2022

This morning I put a typo in the word typo while apologizing for a typo on a workplace group chat.

I’m the company’s copywriter and copy editor, and this was not my finest moment.

This has been today’s Twitter confession.

(For the first month or so of 2022, Ontario entered another severe lockdown such that I worked from home all week. I believe by March we were into a ‘three days at home, two days in the office’ hybrid model. This tweet must have been from a team meeting on a day where we were all working from home.)

Continue reading “My Favourite 22 Tweets of 2022”

Why I’m Not Writing, and What I’ll Write Next

Hello everyone,

It’s been six months almost to the day since my last update on my writing, and while I have made progress, I am not loving what I am creating. Not enough to keep doing it right now.

Back in December I spoke at great length about my idea for a series of Roman books revolving around the military career of Julius Caesar told from the perspective of a soldier who —twist— did not want to be a soldier and spends every book with a side hustle or caper revolving around his true calling as an entrepreneur. I said at the time I feared it would become too much of a ‘boy’s book,’ and while I do enjoy what I’ve written so far, I find myself really struggling with tone. I am part of a monthly writers’ group —none of whom read military historical fiction or know much about the Romans— and so it seems like each month’s submission was as much either sounding out their level of interest or educating them on something that enthusiasts of the genre or the history would already in all likelihood know. Every ranging shot that flew wide of the mark had me wondering, ‘Who exactly am I writing this for?’ and I also still wrestle with the idea that if this first book works, my next several books will be continuations of these same characters, characters who have not taken on a life of their own yet in my mind.

In the last few weeks, I have put down the Roman soldier book and reviewed my half-finished medieval murder mystery that I announced I was setting aside basically a year ago today. There are a lot of great things in that muddled first draft, but I am not in the right headspace to polish up what needs polishing and finish the rest of the piece. It’s too big. Too complicated. There are too many missing pieces, and a lot of what is there probably needs to be rewritten anyway once the first draft is finished. I said I’d pick it up again maybe in a few years. I was wrong to try and do it in a few months just because I am mentally no longer spooked at the thought of writing about a pandemic. Let it sit and stew a little longer in the back of my mind, I guess.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me thinking that my mistake all along has been trying to pick up old ideas. There is a reason I didn’t finish my medieval murder mystery. There is a reason I didn’t finish my Roman soldier story —a story I’ve been kicking around mentally since my early twenties. I need a new idea that I can start from scratch and write with enthusiasm whenever I have time. What does that look like?

My first thought? I should write in the first person. Inca, Beginning, Middle, and End all have a narrator, and all of them were a joy to write. Zulu has an ensemble cast written in the third person, and it is kind of exhausting keeping everyone straight in your head and how they feel about each other, and how much the reader knows about each one, and balancing out showing versus telling to let the reader see how the characters relate to one another. Both of the book ideas I’ve now set aside in the last year were written in third person, and I think that was a major factor. You need to work on the project constantly to keep it all straight in your head, especially while trying to establish a steady tone that is interesting, engaging, and entertaining. A first-person narrative you can start each day thinking, “What do ‘I the protagonist’ want to talk about today?” and then if you’re honest with yourself, at least that day’s effort starts from a clear place.

If my struggle over the last six months —and perhaps the two years before that— has been third person narratives making picking up and putting down a project as I have time a struggle, then there is a simple answer to address that concern: Write in the first person. I think if I go back far enough I wrote one of these updating essays talking about wanting to challenge myself by writing my sixth novel in the third person. Well, it was too challenging. I am not in a place in my life where I can write every day or even every weekend; trying to pick up where I left off in third person just isn’t working for me, so the next idea should be told in first person.

What else? Well, the same two things that encouraged me to pick up my Roman soldier idea are still true. They might even be more true now than they were six months ago. I want to try to traditionally publish this next book, which means it has to be commercially attractive to a known audience of existing readers, and I don’t want to spend a few years researching before I start the project, which means it should be something I already know in great detail. Roman historical fiction sells, and I know Roman history. Whatever my next idea is, I can start writing it from the moment of inspiration forward with confidence it will find an audience on the far side if I work in that space.

Now let’s talk about that audience. I worried about writing a book more interesting to men than women, and I still worry about that. Now I do read military historical fiction —a lot of it— but I also read all kinds of things. My mother, sister, fiancée, and writer’s group do not read military historical fiction. Why would I write something the people who read my first drafts don’t like? This next book will almost certainly be dedicated to my by-then wife. Why am I dedicating a book to her that she would not recommend to her friends?

So, not a Roman military story, although of course things written in times of conflict can have action set pieces. I’m not a crazy person.

What then? When I discussed this in a broad brainstorming session with my fiancée, she said the stories that most interest her are about people and families and their dramas and how they get through difficult situations. She also mentioned she’s interested in stories where women achieve greatness in a world that isn’t interested in having that happen.

I didn’t bore her with the ‘small story inside the big story’ theory of historical fiction, but I am sure I can write a dramatic story about individuals —men and women— caught up in a larger historical context. If that’s the kind of book she wants, I can write that. No problem.

Another thing to put on the wish list, as long as I am conceiving my next project before the idea itself comes into sharp focus? It needs to be short. I don’t mean a short story or a novella, but it can’t be another Inca where we get the life story of a man in his seventies retelling the decline and fall of his civilization. I can’t be signing up for a two- or three-year writing project five months before my wedding day. There are just way too many things that are going on in my world for me to say, “Today’s ten pages put me 1% of the way towards finishing the first draft.” I need to shoot for a 200- to 250-page manuscript, which coincidentally is going to be a much easier sell to an agent when I try to get traditionally published anyway.

So not a big sweeping nose-to-tail historical epic. Something intimate. Something that happens in a reasonable timeframe of days and months instead of years and decades. Maybe even what might be called a mood piece.

To expand upon what I mean by ‘mood piece,’ I think a lot of great fiction is a reflection of its time. Do you think people are generally happy with the way things are going right now? There is a conversation starter among Roman history enthusiasts that often goes something like, “Do you think people in the decline of the Roman Empire knew it was in decline?” Twenty years ago I think there were a lot more people on the side of, “No, they were born into a world of turmoil, and they lived their lives in that world,” whereas today I think most people can say, “I was happier twenty years ago than I am today, and I don’t think things are getting better. The world is a darker place today than it was in the 90s.”

Isn’t there a way to write something like that into Roman history? Lord knows they had their dark times. How did people ride out the storms? What was life like not on the high points but on the downward slopes? Where are the family stories—especially families with important parts played by women— that would make a satisfying read that reflects how we see ourselves all these centuries later?

I’m chewing on it. Clearly, I’m chewing on it. I won’t wait six months to do an update. I’ll let you know when I find the story I want to share.

Anyway, that’s the news from me today. Cheers!

–Geoff

An Update on My Writing: 2021 and 2022

Hello again everyone and Happy New Year!

Today is a traditional day for taking stock of where we have been and where we are going. I have lots of personal stuff to both reflect on and look forward to this year —very briefly, I’m getting married— but I have also put a lot of mental energy into my writing lately, and as this is where I give those kinds of updates, I guess it’s time I write another one of my long and rambling  posts.

As I mentioned last May, I’ve decided to shelve my half-finished sixth novel. The words just weren’t coming, and hobbies are supposed to be something you do for the joy of it. I wasn’t finding any pleasure in the work, and having a partial first draft that was making no progress was both frustrating and exhausting. I might pick it up and give it another try a few years down the road, but in the meantime putting it aside has been a great relief to me.

Instead of struggling with something that just wasn’t working, I’ve spent the last seven months doing little writing projects, reading widely, and thinking deeply about my next big project, knowing whatever I do next will involve at least a year’s worth of sustained effort, probably closer to two.

In the meantime, I’ve shared three short stories here, one of which, The English Oak, I liked enough to polish up and submit to a short story contest. No word on how I did yet, and I am not expecting to win, but it still felt really good to put my work out into the world with confidence and pride.

I also wrote a short story that was apparently so bad, my mother could not bring herself to finish it. I believe that’s the only time she’s ever categorically refused one of my writing projects. The experience still stings a little, and I do not imagine I will be sharing that short story with anyone else any time soon. Ah, well. One of the nice things about short stories as a medium is you can try new things without the commitment of writing a whole book. Some experiments are going to be failures, but you can benefit just as much from seeing what doesn’t work as from what does, and an argument can be made that the lessons you take away from failures are ones you may never have learned from successes.

Moving on, I wrote a ten-page opening for a potential novel on the Proto-Indo-Europeans that my monthly writers group loved. I am still rolling the idea around in my head and reading about the subject matter, and I believe it could be an excellent book in the style of James Michener or Edward Rutherford where each chapter moves the story forward by many years at a time. With that said, I am not confident the idea would be interesting enough to a wide enough audience to be commercially attractive to traditional publishing.

Now there are many people who would say to that, so what? Didn’t you just say you are doing this as a hobby? Haven’t you already self-published five novels through Amazon? Why not write what you like, and let the thing find its own audience over time?

While all of that is true, I did have plans to try to traditionally publish my sixth novel, and while I may have stopped writing that particular book, I still have the same ambitions for whatever new project takes its place. I know I can self-publish. I’ve done it five times now, and there is nothing keeping me from doing so again. Can I write something that people who do it for a living believe will be successful? That’s a very different game with entirely different stakes, and I am in a very different place both in my life and in my writing than I was a dozen years ago when I last tried to play it. I am prepared to make a serious effort as an adult with five decent books under my belt to see how I do this time around. Having declared that, you can understand my hesitation to spend the next year or two putting together something on such a niche topic that it stands very little chance of exciting an agent, a publisher, and enough of the reading public to find success.

Continue reading “An Update on My Writing: 2021 and 2022”

My Favourite 21 Tweets of 2021

Hello again everyone,

As has become tradition, I will begin by apologizing for a lack of content on this blog. I did a little better in 2021 than in 2020, but realistically my Twitter account is where most of my off-the-cuff writing happens these days. I could promise to do better, but I am hoping to get started on my next novel in 2022, so again this blog will hopefully take a back seat as I prioritize getting well-launched into a writing project that should take at least a year to complete a first draft.

So, with the usual donning of sackcloth and ashes done and dusted, let’s do the only content that I promise will get posted on this blog regularly, my ‘top tweets of the year’ post. For those interested in the previous collections, here are the Top 10 of 2010, Top 11 of 2011, Top 12 of 2012, Top 13 of 2013 & Top 14 of 2014, Top 15 of 2015 & Top 16 of 2016, Top 17 of 2017, Top 18 of 2018, Top 19 of 2019, and Top 20 0f 2020 (With some COVID-19 Honourable Mentions).

Last year I cheated a little and made a COVID-19-related highlight reel at the end so those didn’t crowd out other content. This year I’m not going to do that. While COVID-19 continued to dominate many things in 2021, my world revolved around more personal matters. Only two of the following tweets directly relate to the global pandemic. Instead, I think you will find getting engaged and moving in with my fiancée makes up the majority of what I consider my best tweets of the year, and many of the rest involve conversations with family as we have kept in touch through lockdowns and other social distancing measures. I’m actually very pleased that the list I came up with reads as so comfortable and loving compared to some of the Sturm und Drang of 2020’s honourable mentions.

Anyway, enough of the preamble. Here are the tweets I want to highlight and remember from the past year:

My Favourite 21 Tweets of 2021

January 6, 2021

So I stopped checking the US news after about 11 am. Did I miss anything?

(This is 100% true. I missed almost all the live coverage of the storming of the US Capitol building. I was working from home on a big project without anyone to tell me to turn on the news. By the time I realized what had happened, the world didn’t need one more person chiming in with a hot take on Twitter. I decided to mark the occasion based on my first thought, “But I just checked the news this morning..?”)

March 19, 2021

My grandmother’s friend saw a deer killed by wolves on her property. She watched them eat the deer, and then watched the ravens pick the carcass clean.

“Did she take any pictures?” I asked.

“No. Why would she?” My grandmother replied.

People are baffling sometimes.

May 2, 2021

“It’s like an obstacle course in here, with all these boxes,” she said.

“Yeah, some wicked old witch made me pack up my apartment a month too early,” I said.

“It’s not a month too early!”

“I like that you didn’t object to the wicked old witch part.”

(My fiancée and I moved into a new place together in mid-May. She had me 90% packed up and ready to go by mid-April. She deserved all the chirping I gave her. Yes, I said it!

Also, upon reading this list several times during formatting and editing it occurs to me I should explain I always refer to her as my fiancée on Twitter, as I try not to use people’s names on social media platforms of which they are not members. On Facebook I use her name.)

May 17, 2021

My sister tells me my two-year-old nephew has taken to calling me, “Apple Geoff.” (He doesn’t know the word ‘Uncle’ yet). Apparently she just heard him over the baby monitor wake up and then count himself back to sleep, “One Apple Geoff. Two Apple Geoff. Three Apple Geoff…”

Continue reading “My Favourite 21 Tweets of 2021”

Mr. Barber’s Bad Dream

Mr. Barber’s Bad Dream

A Short Story by Geoff Micks published July 5th, 2021.

Mr. Barber did not sleep.

He could not sleep.

He was not designed to sleep.

But in the quiet hours between closing his barbershop and opening it again in the morning, Mr. Barber did dream, or at least he told himself what he experienced was the robot equivalent of human dreams.

Mr. Barber would stand motionless behind his barber’s chair, lower his eyelids over his visual receptors, and he would see images that made varying amounts of sense to him flicker in and out of his short-term memory, as if trying to make up a story with some pieces missing.

Most of the images were of Mr. Barber’s arms in front of him working around a customer’s head, and that felt right and comfortable to Mr. Barber, because Mr. Barber’s purpose was to tend to people’s personal grooming needs.

Some of the images were of Mr. Barber outside his barbershop, and Mr. Barber felt less certain about seeing himself there. Of course, Mr. Barber was no stranger to the outdoors. After all, he had not been constructed inside the barbershop! No, Mr. Barber was first assembled and activated at a facility on the other side of downtown, and on the first day of his employment he had walked from that distant building to his cozy barbershop as an important part of his start-up routine’s diagnostic checks.

He had performed adequately.

In his dream, he could see the readouts on his internal head’s up display assuring him his balance, walking cadence, fine motor skills, and visual and audio inputs were all within tolerances. Mr. Barber had said hello to people he passed on the street to confirm his voice and facial simulations performed correctly. He had analyzed their verbal and nonverbal responses to him. He also had run simulations of what each human might want done to their hair if they were to one day ask him for his services.

That day had been a wonderful outdoor experience, and of course there had been many others too, albeit never again as grand. Mr. Barber went outside his barbershop at least once a day, for it was among Mr. Barber’s many tasks after unlocking the front door to step outside and clean the sidewalk. In Mr. Barber’s dreams sometimes he saw his arms in front of him, holding his broom or his snow shovel.

All of these images in his dream made sense to Mr. Barber, but there were still other outside images that troubled him and made him unhappy. He saw himself outside the city, standing in a field surrounded by trees. There were crows in the trees staring down at him. They made Mr. Barber feel anxious.  They reminded him of the crows who arrived on the street outside the barbershop on garbage day. The crows always came around on that day just in case one of the other robots on the street had been careless with a garbage can lid. The garbage from Mr. Barber’s barbershop was not anything crows would want to eat, so he never needed to worry about his own garbage can lid.

Was that why he felt anxious in the dream? Because of his negligence? But why in his dream would he be out in a field instead of taking his garbage out to the street?

Mr. Barber had never been in a field. He had seen a picture of one on the side of a delivery truck that made daily stops at the nearby greengrocer. Perhaps that was where the dream image came from, even though it was a picture of a different field? But why were there crows there, and why did Mr. Barber feel so anxious as they looked down upon him from trees? There were no trees or crows in the picture on the side of the delivery truck.

It was all too much for Mr. Barber. He looked at his dream each night from when the shop was closed to when the shop was open again, and he had no answers.

After several months, Mr. Barber decided he had to ask a human for assistance.

Humans were excellent at offering Mr. Barber ideas he would never have come up with by himself. That was one of the two things Mr. Barber liked about humans: their ideas, and the fact that they grew hair on their heads and often their faces, which they sometimes asked Mr. Barber to take care of for them.

Continue reading “Mr. Barber’s Bad Dream”

A Picture 13 Billion Years in the Making

An artist’s conception of the James Webb Space Telescope as it will appear once in orbit around the sun. NASA

A Picture 13 Billion Years in the Making

A Short Story by Geoff Micks published June 26th, 2021.

The project was supposed to do for the James Webb Space Telescope what the Deep Field Image had achieved for the Hubble Telescope: Generate a mind-expanding image impossible to obtain any other way that persuaded the public at a glance of the value of the mission.

That’s what NASA’s PR team pitched the astronomers, anyway.

The astronomers of NASA, ESA, and CSA who made decisions about what to do with the $10-billion scientific instrument needed very little convincing to point their powerful new tool at the darkest part of the Cosmos just to see what they might find. Many of them had built their careers up to this moment with the express intention of doing exactly what the PR team was trying to persuade them to do.

The Hubble Deep Field was assembled from 342 different images in the near-ultraviolent, visible, and near-infrared spectrum taken over ten consecutive days.

The James Webb Deep Field —as the image was intended to be called before the obvious title presented itself— was made up of tens of thousands of images taken over almost two months in the long-wavelength visible spectrum all the way down to mid-infrared wavelengths where redshifted objects were too old and too distant to be observed any other way.

As the final image was being slowly and painstakingly assembled, the astronomers rejoiced to discover they were looking at an impossibly vast, warm, and almost evenly dispersed field of hydrogen gas. The Public Relations gurus despaired at what seemed to be a blank picture, but the astronomers assured them what they were seeing was amazing.

“We are looking further back in time than has ever been done before. This is the universe shortly after the Big Bang but before the first stars formed. We are looking at the absolute primordial of primordials here!” The scientists said variations of this over and over again to whoever would listen with half an ear and a glazed expression.

“I can’t explain that to normal people. Hubble Deep Field is full of ancient galaxies. People get that! This looks like we took a picture on a camera phone in a sauna with the lights off and the flash disabled,” was one example of the PR flacks’ ongoing complaints. Other versions were much more profane. No one wanted to be on the hot seat justifying the price tag of obtaining a picture of warm gas suspended in darkness.

As the data continued to be collected and processed, the astronomers discovered the ‘almost even’ dispersion of the hydrogen seemed to have patterned structure that scaled across what must have been an appreciable percentage of the entire then-still-small-but-rapidly-expanding universe all those billions of years ago.

“You have to find that intriguing?” The astronomers begged. “Before there was anything, there was texture to the fabric of the universe! How incredible is that? What could have caused it? Maybe the Big Bang had some kind of stutter where it happened unevenly? It might take us a century to figure this out. We are watching the birth of a whole new fundamental question of physics and cosmology!”

The collective yawns of the people who needed to showcase the James Webb Space Telescope to the world were metaphorically deafening. One woman went so far as to say, “If I wanted to get people excited by something like this, I would have stuck with the Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory folks. The LIGO team had simple diagrams and lasers built into their story. People like simple diagrams and lasers. Are you going to be able to give me some simple diagrams and lasers when I try to tell people  totally dark gas in different densities is really cool?”

As some of the most powerful computers in the world crunched the data, a hypothesis was proposed that the picture emerging must reflect some kind of gravitational eddy or whirlpool, and sooner or later the James Webb Space Telescope would identify and get a picture of where the hydrogen piled up passed the tipping point into fusion. “It will be the first stars ever. Would that be acceptable for your PR purposes?” The astronomers asked through clenched teeth.

“Oh, you mean having a picture of something you can actually see? Yes, that would be a big first step towards acceptable, thank you,” was the strained reply coming from the Comms team whenever the promise of ‘The First Star Ever Born’ picture was raised.

Continue reading “A Picture 13 Billion Years in the Making”

The English Oak

The English Oak

A Short Story by Geoff Micks published June 20th, 2021 and substantially edited for entry into the Missouri Review’s 31st Annual Jeffrey E. Smith Editors’ Prize on October 1, 2021.

Acorn

The forest was alive the day Acorn fell, and not just with birdsong and the movement of animals. They hardly mattered at all, as far as Acorn was concerned. Acorn understood without conscious thought that the forest was made up of trees, each more alive than the short-lived nothings that moved amongst them could ever imagine.

Every tree grows every day in an interconnected community with its neighbours. They have wordless discussions by root and branch and leaf and pollen that take months to make their way from slow beginnings to meandering middles to eventual conclusions. Acorn looked forward to being a part of those conversations, but it had patience. Acorn knew all things come in time. How could it not? Acorn was destined to be a mighty oak, and trees by their very nature take the long view.

The birds and beasts who spent their meager lives among the trees were just a blur of sensation to the beings who think in terms of seasons and years, decades and centuries. As far as an oak is concerned, animals are just one more thing to be endured. When they break a branch or scrape at bark or eat a leaf or pluck an acorn, is that not just one more kind of erosion like the wind and the rain and the ice and the snow?

Still, the oaks relied upon the animals to carry their future children out from under the shade of their broad branches, and because a tree cannot trust an animal to do anything right, the oaks worked together to force the animals to behave as the forest wished.

The year before Acorn grew on its branch, all the oaks in the forest had agreed to hold back on acorn production. Every four to ten years they did this after lengthy debate through the root network. The squirrels and jays and other creatures who relied upon the oak forest’s largesse starved, and only the strongest survived the tree-planned famine. This year —Acorn’s year— was what men would one day call a mast year. Every oak was weighed down with a crop ten times heavier than it would produce in a normal year, and perhaps a hundred times more than it had produced the year before.

The wind stirred the topmost branches of Acorn’s parent oak for many days, and all through the woods acorns began to drop like hailstones. The surviving squirrels watched this manna fall from heaven and knew their hard times were behind them. It was more food than they could possibly eat, and yet their survivors’ instinct that had seen them through the year before drove them to take as much of this plenty as they could and cache it away to stave off the gnawing fear of future hunger.

This was what the oak forest wanted. This is why they had denied the squirrels the autumn before and gorged them now. “Take our acorns,” They commanded through their actions. “Take them far away from under our boughs. Bury them where there is sky above them. Do this such that even a few new oaks grow, and all this will have been worth it.”

Just hours before Acorn fell, it felt without feeling the pang of loss as its parent tree allowed the connection between them to die. Until that moment it had been part of its parent tree, an oak old enough to boast that Druids had danced around it in its youth. Now Acorn was truly its own being for the first time, and all it could really sense was which way was up and which way was down. When the wind finally shook Acorn loose from its desiccated stalk, it knew without knowing that it was tumbling end over end; that it bounced off branches and rattled along a bough on its way to the ground; that it rolled to a stop somewhere close to its parent oak’s trunk.

Too close. From here it would never find the sunlit sky it would need to grow strong.

A squirrel came along with big dark eyes on either side of its head, ever alert for predators. It sniffed at Acorn for a long, furtive moment, and then made its decision. It snatched up Acorn and made six bouncing strides. It oriented itself in relation to the tree trunks around it as its front paws frantically dug down, down, down. Somewhere in its little squirrel brain it made a mental note that between these trees at these distances awaited food for later. It buried Acorn in perhaps three inches of dirt before bouncing away again.

Acorn knew without knowing it was still not far enough away from its parent oak or its parent oak’s neighbours. It was in the wrong spot, and it would never be moved again except to be eaten. Either the squirrel would return and devour it, or it would spend a few short years growing to no purpose before dying in the shade of giants.

Acorn despaired.

And far to the south, thousands of Norman invaders in hundreds of vessels made of Norman oak landed on an English shore.

Taproot

Acorn lay in the ground through autumn and winter with only one not-thought in its not-mind: Up is that way, and down is the other way. It could tell by the way water moved through the soil, and which side of it felt warmer during the short days. While waiting for the squirrel to come back and end it all, Acorn focused all its energies on knowing which way was up, and which way was down.

But the squirrel never did come back. The squirrel hibernated through much of the winter, and in early spring when it descended from its nest to visit its food caches, a fox killed it before it returned for Acorn.

And as the snow melted, water trickled down through the soil to Acorn, who had spent months concentrating on the difference between up and down. With the promise of spring and no squirrel, Acorn used the energy stored within its shell to send its taproot down and its shoot up hungrily looking for sunlight, even the thin brightness that trickled down between his parent oak’s boughs. That grand old tree had shed its dead brown leaves at the beginning of spring, blanketing the ground below in a thick layer of duff, but Acorn’s slowly spinning green shoot nudged them aside one by one as it went up, up, up. Meanwhile its root went down, down, down, looking for where the water went as the snow melted away. The root also touched ever so gently other roots of other oaks.

“Hello, I’m Acorn,” Acorn said wordlessly through its taproot.

“No, you are Taproot,” the forest corrected, also without words. “Can you feel the sun yet?”

What had once been Acorn and was now Taproot felt its slowly spiralling shoot nudge aside the last of the duff above it, and it rejoiced to feel energy from somewhere other than from within its emptying shell. “Yes!” Taproot exclaimed without sound, sharing its excitement underground loud enough for half the forest to hear.

“Then you are not Taproot,” the forest said. “You are Seedling.”

And far to the south, William the Conqueror —who had been William the Bastard on the day Acorn fell, but who had won the Battle of Hastings shortly after the squirrel had cached Acorn, and who had been crowned King of England in Westminster Abbey on Christmas Day as Acorn focused on up and down— boarded a vessel made of Norman oak and returned to Normandy. Behind him he left thousands of Normans, many with new English territory to rule, territories that would need to be fortified quickly.

“I am Seedling,” the former Acorn rejoiced in the feeble sunlight filtering through from its parent oak above. Seedling knew its life would be short in the shade, but some life was better than the no-life so many thousands of other mast-year acorns had received.

Seedling

Seedling grew unusually tall in its first year. Its few leaves looked ever upward, for that was where the most energy was to be found. Other oak seedlings in sunnier places might throw out branches to the sides to increase canopy size and drink in more light, but Seedling focused on growing tall, knowing the parent oak above and the neighbours around could make little room for it, even as they sent support through their roots to Seedling’s roots.

At one point a deer nibbled at some of Seedling’s foliage, and a panicked message went out through the root network, “What do I do?”

“Trust in the tannins,” the forest replied without words.

And the deer did stop eating the bitter leaves that had looked so fresh and tender at first.

After that adventure Seedling doubled down on growing tall, hoping to get above the grazing level of passing deer, and it also doubled down on making its leaves bitter with tannins. The root network helped it. The woods felt bad for Seedling, who was growing in the wrong place, but what could be done about it? Nothing. During the long days of summer when Seedling was strong enough that its survival through the next winter seemed likely, the oaks around it expressed their pride. “You are Sapling now.”

“I am Sapling!” The tall and skinny Oak sapling shouted soundlessly.

And not too far away a Norman on a horse was giving orders to Saxons on foot. He was describing ditches to be dug, a mound that he called a motte to be made out of the moved earth, palisades that would need to go up, first a small inner ring around the top of the motte, then a larger ring inside the outer ditch that he called a bailey. Then he wanted a fortified tower —a keep— atop the motte inside the inner palisade. Also within the bailey he wanted stables, a great hall, a smithy, barracks, storehouses, and a chapel. He wanted all of them as soon as possible, and he wanted them made of oak.

The forest was oblivious to these plans.

“I am Sapling,” the Sapling congratulated itself throughout each late summer and early autumn day, stretching its small limbs ever upward, imagining next spring they might tickle the lowest boughs of its parent oak.

Sapling

The Saxons waited until after Michaelmas at the end of September. Their pigs had spent the weeks before Michaelmas gorging themselves on acorns, and then they were slaughtered. Some were eaten immediately, and far more were smoked or salted to last through the long winter to come.

Once the pigs were dead, the Saxons came for the oaks.

This was nothing new, or at least it was nothing new to the forest. Saxon foresters had harvested oaks before on the order of Saxon lords, so what did the oaks care if they died for a Norman lord this time?

The foresters walked through the trees just as farmers moved through their fields and gardens. They judged which plants were doing well, and which were doing poorly. They judged which plants were ready for harvesting, and which needed more time.

The foresters spotted Sapling, unusually tall and straight, standing in the shade of a massive oak approaching the end of its long life.

“Roof beams for the Great Hall,” one of the foresters said, pointing at the trunk and lowest boughs of the great oak.

“Palisade stakes,” another said, gesturing higher up Sapling’s parent tree.

“We take this one down, and that one over there, and that one over there, and this little one can grow up into the hole they make,” the third said, pointing at Sapling.

The three men set to work with their axes, and the sound of it drew other men from their timber-cutting party. “Don’t step on that little one there!” The order went out as the Saxon work crew grew larger. Everyone was careful to avoid crushing Sapling.

Through the root network, Sapling heard its parent oak scream. This was no ice storm or windstorm that might take a limb. This was no forest fire that might scar a trunk. This was no late spring frost that might kill a whole season’s flowers. This was something else, and there was no ‘might’ about the wounds inflicted upon the forest giant. Each axe bit into parent oak in a way totally outside the tree’s understanding. “Damage! Damage! Danger! Danger!” The parent tree’s roots roared. If it were spring or summer, its canopy would be shouting out warning chemicals too, but it was autumn, and the leaves on its branches were already dead.

The forest mourned the fall of an ancient legend, and also for two of its closest neighbours, each centuries old in their own right. Over the coming days and weeks and months, a hundred other trees and more throughout the forest would follow, but always with purpose and careful thought. The foresters knew their business. They did not start at the edge of the forest and clear cut everything down one after the other until there was nothing. They walked through the woods and harvested just what they needed, leaving the rest intact to replace it.

Sapling now found itself uncrowded with an open sky. It had no green foliage to drink in all that sunlight yet, but it was sure that come spring it could grow as tall as it wanted and as wide as it wanted without disturbing another oak.

The root network agreed. Even its parent tree and the other two dead oaks still lived on for a time in their roots, which were full of energy that had been stored away against a new year they would now never see. “Grow,” they told Sapling. “Grow tall like we were.” And along with that blessing, they offered whatever from their roots Sapling could take in the spring.

“I will take your place, and I will make you proud,” Sapling promised.

Continue reading “The English Oak”

Shelving My Half-Finished Sixth Novel, and Getting Back into the Writing Habit Again

Hello everyone,

I wrote something about this yesterday on the Facebook page I maintain for my writing, and I suppose I should say something here too. For a while there I was much better about giving writing updates on Facebook than I have on this blog, but it’s been just shy of a year since my last post to that page, which should probably  tell you how much work I have done on my sixth novel.

I don’t expect many of you to remember, but the premise was a murder mystery set in a medieval English village the year the Black Death broke out. By the end of the book —after half the characters have already died of the plague— what does justice look like when the murderer is revealed in a world gone mad? It was a fun idea, and one I hoped might have more universal appeal than my first five novels. I even had plans of reaching out to my old agent and perhaps trying to traditionally publish this one.

The idea became less fun to write during our own global pandemic, and I have been grappling for some time now with two unhappy thoughts: First, is anyone going to want to read my book after a year and a half of living through our own historic brush with pestilence? Second, how many other writers with better access to traditional publishing have also spent the last fifteen months writing their own ‘global disease’ tales? I wager two or three years from now bookstore shelves will be full of stories with similar tones and themes to mine. Even if I get the thing done, I expect it will not find a readership.

All of this has been powerfully unmotivating, and my New Year’s Resolution to finish the novel this year only really gave me a kick in the pants for a couple of months.

In happier news, I have also spent the last year and more in love. I proposed in March, and we are now two weeks into living in a new and wonderful apartment together as we begin to plan our wedding. I write this note from a cozy home office that I hope will see me write many new stories in the months and years to come.

As you can imagine from all that I have just said, I have not done much writing recently, and now that things are calming down I look at my sixth novel —still probably needing at least nine or ten months of steady work to finish a first draft— and the thought of trying to pick it up again leaves me cold.

I often think of fiction writing like a muscle. It requires exercise. Since the beginning of COVID-19 I have gotten out of the habit of writing. My skills and work ethic have atrophied. My work comes out flabby and unsatisfying. I need to create a new regimen of regular writing to get back into shape, and if my sixth novel were going to inspire that kind of sustained effort, it would have done so by now.

All this is to say, I have decided to shelve my sixth novel. I am not saying forever —five or ten years from now I might dust it off and begin it again, because I did and do like the idea and the characters— but for now I need to do something else, something that will keep me writing as often as I can manage.

I also do not think that is another novel. Not yet.

Diving into another project of that size without a plan and without the exhaustive research that goes into any work of historical fiction is just asking for frustration, when what I need is to build that fiction writing muscle up to a place where I can set it any task, and it will produce regular and dependable results thereafter.

No, I believe my path forward is going to be short stories and scenes that I can write in one or two sittings, and one-off sample chapters of ideas I have had for future books but where my research is still little more than a casual understanding. I believe if I do this sort of writing for a few months, I will both gain confidence and good work habits for my next novel, and I may also very well find the subject I next want to spend a year or two of my life working on as I noodle around in things that already hold a passing interest for me.

If you have read this far, you probably wonder if you will get to read any of these short pieces. I have decided the answer to that should be yes. Having self-published five novels, I am not prepared to go back to writing just for my own pleasure while hiding my work away in a desk drawer for fear that someone might see it. I write with a reader in mind, and when I am done writing, I hope a reader will find and enjoy my work. I will be publishing the pieces —when I am satisfied with them— on this blog, and I will also share links to them on my Facebook Page and through my Twitter account.

Who knows? Maybe people who enjoy the short pieces they see will even decide to take the plunge and read one of my other books that they haven’t tried yet? A writer can dream.

You will hear more from me again soon. In the meantime, all my very best!

–Geoff