Well, it’s a few days before the end of the year, but I’ll risk it and post my top 17 tweets of 2017 a little early. This has become something of a tradition of mine. Here’s 2010, 2011, and 2012. I did 2013 & 2014 and 2015 & 2016 as combined posts.
As I’ve mentioned, I have my tweets from @faceintheblue set up to automatically post as Facebook updates, so I get a lot of enjoyment from micro-blogging: It keeps me writing even when I only have a few seconds; it gives me something to look back on to reflect upon; it lets me engage with friends and strangers. I think these are the best I’ve done this year. Enjoy!
My Favourite 17 Tweets of 2017
Jan 24, 2017
Dry winter air plus layers of warm clothes has made me more static electricity than man. The bathroom door handle is metal. God help me.
(Someone on Facebook advised me to touch the drywall before touching the doorknob to ground me. That tip saved me many a painful shock.)
Feb 5, 2017
Just overheard little kids and their father grocery shopping. A kid says, “Mommy doesn’t let us eat this stuff.”
“Well, Mommy’s away.”
Mar 13, 2017
“Is this bag of stuff on my desk yours?”
“Nope, not mine.”
“It’s full of mayonnaise packets?”
“Hey! That is mine!”
(The coworker in question has since upgraded his condiment collection from a bag to a series of sorted cups. Any day now I expect he’ll open up a fast-casual dining restaurant. He has half the ingredients already stored up…)
May 12, 2017
My 91-year-old grandmother has expressed a desire to get in a canoe again. I’ve booked the day off work. I’m taking her to Algonquin Park.
(A fun thing? This actually went viral. In the end, I got my grandmother featured in a canoeing magazine’s blog.)
May 15, 2017
Sometimes when my computer freezes at work I anthromorphize its struggle into a type of pain. Right now it’s having an ice cream headache.
Jun 3, 2017
You know they put ‘Hertz’ right in the name, but renting that car was painless.
I’ve workshopped that Dad Joke for 36 hours now. Nailed it.
Jun 16, 2017
Trouble #1: When you use a stapler as a paperweight, it ceases to be a paperweight when you use it as a stapler.
Trouble #2: Powerful fans.
Jul 1, 2017
This Canada Day BBQ is now devolving into an argument about which Star Trek is best, and which is worst, as is tradition.
Jul 3, 2017
Using my vacuum to vacuum the vacuum: Physician heal thyself.
(I really did this. When I moved into my apartment more than six years ago, the previous tenant left a vacuum cleaner behind. This was the first time I ever fired it up, and the first thing I cleaned with it was itself.)
Jul 11, 2017
My coworkers are comparing their pigeon coo-ing impressions to see who does it best. We don’t really get a lot of work done after 4:30…
Jul 16, 2017
A man drove up my sister’s driveway in the middle of a family BBQ to tell her everything she is doing wrong with her lawn. #SmallTownMadness
(My sister bought a house and decided to resod her lawn. Little did we know this would become an all-consuming topic of interest to a man who lives ten blocks away but drives by her house regularly…)
Sep 7, 2017
Someone just greeted me “You’re looking fresh & clean today.” I’ve decided to take that as a compliment while rethinking my usual hobo chic.
Sep 15, 2017
I stepped on a tiny shard of glass. My landlord had to pluck it out of the sole of my foot with tweezers. That’s one way to start the day…
Sep 20, 2017
Pleasantly surprised to see a corner store with a toy section. The shelf above the toys? Hardcore porn. Here’s hoping the kids are under 5′.
Oct 25, 2017
“Let’s go into the boardroom. If I’m going to pontificate, other people don’t need to hear me bloviate.” A thing I really said this morning.
Nov 3, 2017
Someone just wagered a beer I couldn’t guess the GDP of China to the nearest trillion. I love my friends, and I love my victory beer.
Dec 12, 2017
The polite young men who stand at the corner of Yonge & Eg wishing people #HappyHanukkah have upped their game this year: They’ve acquired what I assume is an off-duty icecream truck and rigged up its PA to play Jewish fiddle music. #Toronto
(You can really tell the difference between a 140-character limit and a 280-character limit, eh? Next year will undoubtedly be a wordier affair… )