My Favourite 19 Tweets of 2019

Hello again everyone,

I begin with a surprised confession: This is apparently the only thing I’ve posted on this blog all year? Sorry about that. I encourage you to check out my Facebook page and my Twitter account for regular updates relating to my writing, as this blog is very clearly on the back burner in terms of my priorities.

With that said, since the earliest days of my blog, I’ve made a tradition of collating what I consider to be my top tweets of the year. It’s time again to do that. For anyone interested in the previous collections, here are the lists from 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 & 2014, 2015 & 2016, 2017, and 2018. I do think they have stood the test of time.

I mentioned in last year’s post that I now use Twitter differently than I did when my Tweets were also automatically my Facebook status updates. That automatic cross-posting functionality has been lost, and I notice a lot of what I tweet about after the break-up is not what I believe all of my friends and family would enjoy. I talk about politics more. I am snarkier. I comment on and retweet stuff that I wouldn’t necessarily share on Facebook. Still, in my ‘Top List’ I want tweets that say a little about myself as a person, not the Twitter exchanges I chose to engage in. As such, I will not be taking comments from conversation threads out of context and putting it on one of these lists, nor any retweet with comments where the original comment is needed to explain what I am saying. I also don’t think it’s fair to highlight tweets that went along with a picture I’ve taken where the picture is the point. My use of Twitter was –and I believe remains– primarily a writing exercise. Maybe I’ll change my opinion on that for 2020, but for this year, no tweets with pictures were considered.

Anyway, this is a longer preamble than I usually manage. Without further adieu, here are the tweets I want to highlight and look back upon from the past year:

My Favourite 19 Tweets of 2019

Jan 3, 2019

My coworkers were admiring a story on CP24. “Good for her!” One exclaims.

My desk doesn’t face the television. I turn around. “What happened?” I ask.

“She’s old, and she’s going to a Leafs game.”

Even with 24 hours of airtime to fill, how slow is today’s news day?

(For context for all the non-Torontonians out there, CP24 is a 24-hour news channel with the screen divided into four quarters: Traffic, weather, an all-text headline newsfeed, and video footage recorded within the past few hours. Some of the things CP24 does to fill that video footage quarter gets pretty ridiculous. One sixth of all Canadians live within an hour’s drive of Toronto, and you have to think some of those people are doing something. How did this old woman going to an NHL game make it on the air? NOTHING else was happening?

Also, upon reviewing past lists, this is the third time I’m highlighting a negative comment about CP24. I didn’t realize how often I chirp that channel…)

Feb 7, 2019

While standing six feet back from the curb, I got hit full in the face by a blast of icy, muddy water. There’s a new pothole on my street. A van hit it at speed and the water pooled within leapt up and out a good twenty feet.

That’s one way to start your day…

Feb 7, 2019

Scarves make excellent towels, but afterwards they no longer make excellent scarves.

(This tweet was written about five minutes after the previous one when I realized using my scarf to get the freezing, muddy, salty water out of my eyes and off my face was the right thing to do, but putting the scarf back around my neck afterwards was not.)

Feb 28, 2019

Let’s discuss weather-predicted groundhogs for a moment. Where is the accountability? What steps can we put in place to get better forecasts?

Here’s a bold proposal for you: Kill the wrong groundhogs, breed the correct groundhogs, & let eugenics produce a better prognosticator.

Mar 14, 2019

I was just asked a question whose answer led me to give a brief summary of the Treaty of Tordesillas in 1494 where Spain and Portugal divided the world outside of Europe between them with Papal blessing. I got my history nerd on before 9:30 am. Today will be a good day!

May 3, 2019

We’re playing ‘Name The Movie That Goes With This Tune’ Trivia at the office.

A woman’s voice whispers, “…If” and I cry out, “THE BODYGUARD!”

The whole office stares.

For easily three years my sister listened to that soundtrack every morning while getting ready for school.

(For the record, I have zero regrets about my sister loving The Bodyguard soundtrack. If you have to listen to one CD every morning for a good chunk of the 90s, you could do a lot worse.)

May 23, 2019

One of my earliest memories is of my father picking me up, putting me on his knee, pointing at the television, and saying, “Pay attention. This is going to be important to you.” It was an episode of Star Trek: TNG. Words do not easily convey how hopeful I am for #StarTrekPicard.

Jun 5, 2019

I’m at O’Hare, and the Berghoff Cafe offers beer, small $9.01 and large $9.19. Who the hell is getting the small to save 18 cents?

Jun 6, 2019

Last week I was testing some registration pages for my company’s websites. I guess Chrome was paying attention to my test input? I just registered for something and hit submit without checking my form. Chrome ‘did me a favour’ and autopopulated my name as ‘Fakey McFakerson.’

(The thing I was registering for involved printed name badges and wouldn’t let you change your name online once you registered. I had to contact customer service. They said my email made the team’s day. Happy I could help.)

Jun 7, 2019

I just told someone Twitter says VanVleet lost a tooth. His response? “He’s got lots of teeth!” Hockey breeds a hard kind of basketball fan, I am learning… #Raptors #WeTheNorth #RaptorsvsWarriors #NBAFinals

(I tweeted a lot about the Raptors during the playoffs, and there were a lot of very fine tweets that were candidates for ‘Top 19 of 2019.’ I went with this one because a million other people tweeted during those games. No one had this experience but me and maybe the guys up and down the bar from me. I am a regular at a neighbourhood sports pub. I know most of the other regulars as hockey fans, and they really did expect the basketball players to just roll with injuries like enforcer-era NHL players. It’s the playoffs!)

Jul 31, 2019

I do not know the hotkeys to create an em dash. When I need one, I Google “em dash” and then copy and paste the example Google gives me. I could look up the hotkeys, but my “This is stupid but it works” approach keeps me humble.

This has been today’s Twitter confession.

Aug 7, 2019

Someone across the office just sneezed at the exact same moment someone turned the tap on in the kitchen behind her. For a moment there, it sounded like that sneeze had developed into a potentially life-changing problem.

Aug 28, 2019

My sister reminded me of an update to a story I needed to tell our mom. I began from the start for my sister’s sake.

At the end she said, “That is the longest story I’ve ever heard. It only got interesting at the end.”

I said I needed to give context.

“I have context PTSD.”

(Strictly speaking this is my sister’s witticism, not mine, but she doesn’t have Twitter, and I’m the one who recorded the incident for posterity.)

Sep 2, 2019

Years ago I worked for a British-owned company. Senior management was very comfortable going out for a pint after work. Part of the culture. When they switched to Gin & Tonic I always perked up. That’s when they wanted to tell, ‘SECRETS.’ To this day, G&T makes me smile.

Nov 7, 2019

First proper snowfall of the year here in #Toronto. I go into the box in my closet where I keep my winter gear. Can someone explain to me how I have five right gloves, two right mitts, but nothing for my left hand at all? Is this a prank? Am I being pranked right now?

Nov 7, 2019

A friend passed away a few weeks ago. I just received an email from him. Subject line? “My eulogy.”

His widow was logged into his email account for something and didn’t think to switch accounts before asking me to proofread her speech.

My heart will stop hammering soon, right?

Nov 25, 2019

Three or four years ago I switched to black coffee, and every day since when I see someone fussing with their milk & sugar I think, “What am I doing with all the extra seconds I save daily now that I don’t have to do that?” Then I remember I use the time to think that thought…

Dec 8, 2019

I’m 37 today, and I feel truly blessed: I have my health, the love of friends & family, a good home, and a challenging career I enjoy. I’m artistically fulfilled, and I’m in the heady days of a new romance. I have no ambitions for a 2020 New Year’s Resolution. Life is beautiful.

Dec 20, 2019

I’m walking through a Toys’R’Us. I can’t wait until my nephew gets a little older. Christmas shopping for him is going to be so much fun in a year of two once he’s ready to play with stuff rather than just jam it in his mouth. #HoHoHo

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